Remind Me Not To Invite Her To Any Parties
I’d like to profess that stealing a box of Golden Life Henna in the 7th grade was the end of my illustrious shoplifting career, but if we’re getting down to the short hairs here, I also stole a tube of organic toothpaste from Whole Foods less than a year ago.
$12.95! For toothpaste! I mean, c’mon. Gift with purchase, I like to say.
Actually, I wouldn’t mine stealing something right now.
Christ, it’d be easier than writing this letter. Three years of work down to a page, page and a half. The pressure to be charming here is enormous, you must know.
Maybe this afternoon. When I finish the letter. [O]ur heroine is not that different from me. Or possibly a more fabulous me. The Carrie Bradshaw I am in my imagination.
Upper East Side Jewish American Princess kleptomaniac living the seemingly quintessential Manhattan life, loses job, loses boyfriend, loses housekeeper and winds up (long story short) joining a Peruvian Shoplifting Ring.
It is here our klepto learns what’s truly important in her life. Ahf tsores aside, it’s a happy ending kind of story.
For our 29-year old heroine, shoplifting* is better than orgasms:“… Her breath pounds out in heaves. Her teeth chatter, droplets of sweat trickle down her side sending out a rank perfume, her nipples harden. She swallows a mouthful of saliva, the gulp of it echoing in her head. A quick slide off with a nimble hand and poof…it is gone.”
Please send the enclosed postcard if you’d like to see a sample of The Booster.
posted by BlackCapricorn @ 7:16 AM
9 comments
9 Comments:
Wow, method writing.
"If you'd also like to read my script for 'The Obsessive Stalker', please wave out your bedroom window. Thanks."
Man!!!
That's almost as bad as The Eyes of Mara which you guys tore apart last January. At least The Eyes of Mara has a really cool website at http://www.theeyesofmara.com
Oh, that's good. Not a classic by any means; it won't make me forget the sharkies or pandas, but there's something to be said for a Peruvian Shoplifting Ring.
Swallowing a mouthful of saliva?! And the gulp echoing?!
Swifty Mart Employee #1: "Hey, Paul. See that sweaty, horny, shaking chick. I think she's stealing."
Swifty Mart Employee #2: "Yeah. Now she's drooling. She must be retarded or something. I'll call the manager."
Just a stealing girl in the town Swifty Mart,
Boosting snack foods like it's an art.
The security cameras never see her at all.
They say she's a klepto.
Shoplifting quickens the beat of her heart,
And it makes her nipples erect.
No one notices that she's robbing them blind.
They're all staring at her chest.
It can be better than sex
When you steal your heart's desire.
And the best part is you get your merchandise free.
She's a maniac, maniac in the store,
And she's stealing like she never stole before.
She's a maniac, maniac in the store,
And right now she's busy cleaning up aisle four.
Once she's won and lost most everything
She joins a shoplifting ring.
It's a Peruvian bed of mystery.
Her teeth start chattering.
Droplets of sweat trickle down her side,
Sending out a rank perfume.
She swallows a mouthful of saliva.
A nimble hand and poof, it's gone.
"What's important in your life?
Is it all the goods you've stolen?"
She thinks as she's waiting for her postcard to come.
She's a maniac, maniac in the store,
And she's stealing like she never stole before.
She's a maniac, maniac in the store,
And by the time you've found her she'll be out the door.
It can be better than sex
When you steal your heart's desire.
And the best part is you get your merchandise free.
She's a maniac, maniac in the store,
And she's stealing like she never stole before.
She's a maniac, maniac in the store,
But I guess it's better than being a whore.
*YES - Please rush me my copy of The Booster (TM). I enclose my cheque for £7.99 plus £1.99 p&p.
Can I just mention that Carrie Bradshaw bugs the crap out of most normal human beings?
I am the Carrie Bradshaw I imagine I can be in my mind. Only hotter. And male.
I too wonder what's truly important in my life.
Maybe i too should join a Peruvian Shoplifting Ring to find out.
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